


Suffocation

by Ashwang



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Begging, Cheating, Crying, Drama, Emotional, Hurt, Love/Hate, M/M, Pain, Romance, mental strain, the ugly truth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-30
Updated: 2013-07-30
Packaged: 2017-12-21 21:11:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/904998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashwang/pseuds/Ashwang
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stony AU: Tony can't change who he is, but Steve so desperately wishes that Tony at least wanted to. I promise a semi-happy ending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Suffocation

“Tony please don't leave me” Steve begged.

“I have to” A whisper came from the other side of the room.

“No, Tony. I forgive you, I don't care, I want you. Tony, I need you” Steve moved towards the voice and dropped to the floor, unable to keep his trembling legs up.

“That's not fair, Steve. I hurt you. You can't keep taking me back. It's not right, I won't let you” Tony edged backwards to the door.

“Tony, please” Steve's voice cracked, the tears ran down his red cheeks.

“I'm going to go now” Tony couldn't look at the man who was on his knees.

“You can't” Steve cried. “I need you”

Tony turned, his fingertips on the door handle. He was shaking, he felt like he was suffocating. His throat felt like he had an apple stuck in it and the overwhelming nausea forced him break out in a sweat. 

“Tony, if you leave then that's it. It's all over” Steve threatened.

“That's the point, Steve” Tony took in a deep breath and opened the door, disappearing through it into the darkened hallway.

//

His eyes were stinging as he woke on his side of the bed. The other side was left untouched. Rubbing his head, he thought about everything that had happened in the short time he'd spent with Tony Stark. 

Steve thought back to the first time they met, the first time he felt truly attracted to someone and not just for their outer beauty. Tony challenged him, made him think outside the norm. He kept Steve on his toes and he craved Tony's attention.

Being part of the Avengers Initiative was a god-send after waking up after a 70 year sleep under the ice. Tony had made fun of him, but Steve knew that was just him showing affection. Tony's own twisted way of letting people know he liked them. 

Steve fell under Tony's charm and quickly became smitten with the genius. It didn't take long after the battle in New York for him to see Tony again. They had gone their separate ways, some pretty far away, but Steve stayed in Brooklyn, knowing Tony was in the Stark Tower, not too out of reach.

He wished desperately for the little digs of affection, the way he looked at Steve when they were alone, the first kiss they shared together when Steve had found himself standing outside Tony's door, drenched from the rain that he had walked in after having nightmares. Tony looked after him, taught him how things worked in the 21st century. 

“I suffocated him. This is all my fault” Steve whispered to himself, throwing himself off the bed and to the bathroom where he was sick in the sink. 

Steve and Tony were inseparable, apart from times where SHIELD needed Captain America and Stark Industries needed their primary inventor. But once they were back together, they were the only two to exist. It was their own private world. Inside the Tower, where they could be themselves, no expectation, their own reality.

Returning to his own apartment always hurt, but he knew that people couldn't find out about them. Not yet. 

Steve brushed his teeth and got into the shower. He sunk to floor, letting the water wash over his body. Everything in him ached, cried out for Tony's touch. He couldn't breathe. 

“Please come back to me, Tony” Steve cried out over the running water.

//

Tony woke up not knowing where he was. After he had left Steve's apartment he had gone on a binge. He looked to his side and there laid a naked man, fast asleep. His eyes pricked with tears, but he refused to let himself cry. Instead he carefully got out of the strangers bed and gathered his clothes from the small bedroom. 

“Hey, where are you going?” A sleepy voice spoke.

“Look, I've got to go” 

“When can I see you again?” The man was now sitting up, his legs parted, a grin on his face.

“Er” Tony tried to look away. “I'll call you” and with that he left.

He cursed himself as he walked down the street. Checking his watch and reading 10:33am, he groaned inwardly. Walking through an alley, frustration took over and he let it out on a trash can, which he kicked repeatedly before dropping to the floor and choking on his sobs.

Sitting on the damp, dirty floor, he remembered the first time he'd taken Steve out to dance. He had told Tony he had never danced before which saddened Tony. He'd had copious amounts of dance lessons growing up and was a very skilled dancer. Instead of taking him to a club where they didn't really dance, more ground against each other, he rented a ballroom for the afternoon. He hadn't told Steve where they were going and once he let Steve open his eyes to see the magnificent room, Steve had never looked so excited. He had grabbed Tony and kissed him in a way he hadn't before. Tony remembered the feeling and his stomach turned.

They had danced all afternoon, Steve picking up it surprisingly quickly, even giving Tony a run for his money. Steve had thanked him more than a thousand times by the time they had arrived back at his apartment. 

“I'm so sorry, Steve” Tony whimpered as he gathered his strength to pick himself up and call Happy.

//  
“How could you do this to me? You can't say you love me and sleep with someone else! I know I've been taking things a bit slow, but that doesn't mean I don't want to take our intimacy to the next stage. I've just never been with someone like this. With a man. In a relationship. I thought you understood? I thought you said it wasn't a big deal and that you could wait?” 

“I know what I said, Steve. You don't get it. I have needs, urges. I can't change who I am”

“Yeah, playboy, I forgot. But funnily enough, I thought you were changing. For the better. For me” Steve choked out.

Tony looked at the super soldier, crying at the foot of the bed. The blond he was with when Steve had walked into the bedroom had left pretty suddenly when seeing him. Getting up from the bed, he tried to compose himself, wrapping a sheet around his waist. 

Steve couldn't look at him, his gaze focused on the bed that he shared with Tony. The bed he'd let out all his fears and troubles in the early hours of the morning after having nightmares. All of it was ruined and Tony couldn't even apologize.

“You can't expect me to change for you, Steve” Tony stood watching him.

“No. You're right. I'm going” Steve breathed, leaving the room and getting on his bike back to his apartment.

//

Steve paced his fairly small apartment, wanting to leave it but not knowing where to go. This was the third time he had let Tony make him feel like this. He knew he couldn't change Tony, he just wished Tony wanted to change his ways for him. 

Finally getting dressed, he headed out of the door, feeling too overwhelmed to be on his own. He jumped on his bike, still not knowing where to go. 

After two hours of driving aimlessly, he found himself at the beach. Wondering down to the shore, the harsh wind bit his cheeks and he hugged himself for warmth. The water looked rough, almost vicious. 

He took off his shoes, socks and jacket off and laid them on the floor. He took his cell phone out of his pocket and took his watch off. Taking a deep breath, he began making his way into the freezing October water. Soon he couldn't feel his feet, then he was too deep to care. He then closed his eyes and leaned back, floating, letting the waves carry him. 

Suddenly a heavy wave crashed down on him and he was being pulled under the water. Not knowing which way was up, he panicked and splashed around, still being dragged. He couldn't feel his limbs, all he could feel was panic and the aching for Tony to save him. 

Soon he couldn't keep his eyes open and he let the water crash down on him once more, before staying under the water, not fighting it.

//

Tony arrived back at the Tower. He jumped in the shower and put fresh clothes on before calling Pepper to see what the plan was for tonight.

“Hey Pep”

“Tony. There's been a major problem with seating arrangements for tonight's fundraiser” She panicked.

“Chill, Pepper. I'm sure it's fine” He said, cradling the phone in his neck and shoulder whilst doing the buttons on his shirt.

“Will you be bringing anyone?” 

“No” Tony whispered, almost inaudible.

“Oh”

“Let's leave it at that. See you tonight. Don't be late” Tony joked, feeling faint. 

He put the phone down and sat on his bed. His stomach was cramping. Something wasn't right. 

\\\

Steve had been out at the gym most of the day and was exhausted by the time he arrived back at Tony's place. Though he had super human strength, he did feel the strain of working out all day. All he wanted to do was take a long hot shower and get into bed with Tony with a takeaway and a bad film.

Cracking the door open, he saw Tony bent over a skinny brunette with tattoos and he quickly shut the door again. He couldn't believe Tony would do this to him again. Well, he could believe it, but he wanted so desperately not to. 

Tony called him that night and asked him to go to dinner with him. Steve pretended like there was nothing wrong until he had asked Tony what he had done that day.

“Oh nothing. Got some work done and then had a meeting. You know, the usual” Tony smirked.

“You god-damn, son of a bitch. How could you lie to my face?” Steve spat.

“What?” Tony said, looking around the restaurant to make sure no one could hear.

“I saw you. The guy with tattoos. Why lie? Why lie to me?” Steve's eyes were watering, teeth gritting, fists placed on the table.

“I'm sorry, Steve. Please. Don't make a scene” Tony warned.

Steve threw up his arms in frustration and left. He was done with Tony's shit. He was done with playing this fucked up game. He was done being so incredibly in love with someone who obviously didn't give a shit about him.

//

Tony made Steve feel special, in the moments they spent together, getting to know each other, absorbed in each other, completely in awe. Steve had never felt that with anyone else. Though Tony had hurt him twice, he loved him and there was no denying they were meant to be together, even if Tony couldn't see the full picture yet. 

Steve took him back, not because Tony begged and pleaded, not because Tony promised he wouldn't hurt Steve again and that he was done with that part of his life, but because he believed it. Because he knew in his heart that Tony would one day be true to his word. 

The third time Tony cheated on him, it was too much to handle but he knew it was the last time Tony would do it. He knew. What he didn't know was that Tony would leave him. 

And so, on his knees in his living room, begging for Tony not to leave, he felt like his heart was being pulled from his chest. He felt as if nothing in the world could hurt him more than Tony walking out and leaving him. 

Steve woke in a hospital bed. Not knowing why he was there made him panic and he called out for a nurse. She explained that a fisherman had found him floating on the water, barely alive and taken him to hospital. She asked why he was out there in the first place but he couldn't tell her. He didn't really have an answer.

“Is there anyone you'd like us to call, Mr Rogers?” the nurse asked, taking his temperature.

“No, thank you, ma'am”

She left the room and closed the door behind her. Once he knew he was alone, the tears fell from his eyes. 'How did I let myself get like this? I'm a super soldier. I've fought evil men and come out on top. When did I become such a mess?' Steve thought, cursing himself over and over until he heard the door click open.

Quickly burying his face in his pillow to dry his eyes, he rolled over and took in a sharp breath when he saw who was there.

“Tony. What are you doing here?” he whispered.

“I knew something was wrong. I had Jarvis search for any recent hospital admissions under your name. I came straight away” Tony sat on the edge of the bed and put his hand on Steve's leg. “What were you doing out in the water, Steve?” Tony looked into his eyes, the skin around them puffy from crying.

“I don't know” Steve said, jerking his leg from under Tony's touch. “You need to leave”

Tony stood and shrugged his shoulders. “Fine. I understand you need time to think, be on your own. Sorry for coming. I know it's not my right to worry about you, anymore”

“As if you ever cared, Tony” Steve spat, uncontrollable rage taking over his being.

“I always cared. If you want to believe otherwise, go ahead. Though my actions weren't always true to my words, my feelings were” Tony sniped back.

“I can't believe a word you say, anymore. You've wrecked my heart enough” Steve turned away.

Tony stood for a second before lunging at Steve and rolling him over to look at him. Steve looked shocked but Tony had something to say and this was the time. No going back now.

“Being with you made me realize a few things. Firstly, I know I can be happy. I know that there's someone out there that takes all of me and loves me for all my faults and my past. Secondly, I know that I have a fair few issues that I have to deal with and I know that sleeping around is the first on the list to sort out. I slept with someone last night, a stranger, no one and the first thing I thought when I woke up was 'how did I let myself get here' and 'where is Steve' because you are the only person I think of. When I fuck someone, that's exactly what it is. But when I'm with you, when I'm holding you after a nightmare and when you turn to me and ask me to forgive you for being a mess, you make me feel like I'm not a worthless piece of shit and that I can be normal. You give me purpose. I'm done with the sleeping around. I'm done, I can't hurt you. I know I've said this before but I mean it this time, please please just fucking believe me, I promise you. I promise everything I have. Please take me back, and I swear on my life I won't do this again... Lastly, I've realized I can't live without you. And you know you can't live without me, Steve. Did you try and kill yourself? I really hope you didn't. I couldn't live with myself knowing I drove you to suicide, Steve. You're my saviour, my hero, my capsicle” Tony choked, sobbing, tears staining his cheeks without him noticing. He took a deep breath, waiting for Steve to reply, to process everything he had just said.

After a moment, Steve dried his eyes from the tears that had fallen during Tony's speech.

“I love you” Tony said, sitting on the bed and taking Steve's hands in his.

“You really promise you won't sleep with anyone else? Even a kiss is cheating, flirting, buying someone else a drink. You can promise that I'm the only man you think of at night, you promise that I'm the only one that can make you happy? Because I want to be that man. I want to give you everything you desire, especially my heart” Steve held Tony's face in his hands.

“I promise all of that, because I need you, Steve. Be with me, again? Start over? I'll do anything” Tony kissed Steve's hand.

“I'd like that” Steve pulled Tony into a passionate kiss, holding him close.

“Come back to the Tower with me for good?” Tony asked when they broke for air.

“Like move in?” Steve asked, his breath hitching.

“Yes. Move in. Live with me. I want the world to know we are together. No more sneaking around, no more lies. Just you and I, Cap” Tony smiled and pecked his lips once more.

“You mean it?” Steve looked adorable, like a kid on Christmas day.  
“Of course, Baby” 

Steve pulled him into a tight hug, causing Tony to tap out in fear of being suffocated.

“Call the nurse, I'm ready to go home”

//

They were a mess. They weren't perfect, but they were in love.

Tony looked after Steve day and night, not leaving his side. He didn't feel the need to stray once and that's when he knew he had done the right thing by fighting for Steve one last time. He knew it wouldn't be easy and that there would be a nagging voice in the back of Steve's head not to trust Tony, but he hoped one day it would go for good. He wanted Steve's trust, love and happiness. 

Steve knew Tony wouldn't hurt him again. Though the trust levels weren't perfect, he was happy with the man holding him at night, pressing kisses into the back of his head. They still hadn't made love and the reasons for that being he was scared. He'd never done it before and he couldn't help thinking of Tony with other people. 

“I'm sorry if I smothered you” Steve whispered in the dark one night, the moonlight rippling over his body.

“You didn't. Don't be sorry for anything, you're not the problem”

“I want to make love to you Tony. Not right now, maybe not even a week from now but I want to. I want to make you happy in the most intimate way I can think of”

“Steve, you make me happy everyday. I can wait. I will wait. I won't push you, it's your decision entirely. I love you Cap” Tony kissed his mouth deep and hard.

“Oh Tony” Steve returned the kiss. “I love you”

**Author's Note:**

> So this was ridiculously sad. I even cried when writing Tony's speech, god!
> 
> Leave comments/kudos, give me a few tips on how to make it flow better - add your own ideas. I want to go back and edit this one and change a few pieces. Let me know.
> 
> Also, I'm writing a Tony/Steve Clint/Bruce fic at the moment and it's actually more emotional than this. 
> 
> ASH X


End file.
